


Thot Patrol

by kkei2



Category: Block B, Day6 (Band), EXO (Band), K-pop, K.A.R.D (Band), Monsta X (Band), NCT (Band), SEVENTEEN (Band), Topp Dogg (Band), VIXX, iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: (hopefully), Attempt at Humor, Confusing, Conversations, Crack, Drugs, Drunk Texting, Epic Bromance, Everyone is a Dudebro, Everyone is an idiot, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Fun, Funny, Games, Gay Panic, I Update Extremely Irregularly I'm Sorry, Just Like Me For Writing This, Mark and Jaehyun are Heteros™ and Johnny is Suffering, Melodrama, Memes, Messy, New Characters Every Chapter, No Homo, Not Bashing Anyone Here I'm Gay as Hell lol, Other, Sassy, Secret Relationship, Seungkwan is One Thicc B, Sexual Humor, Teenagers, chatroom, lampshading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 11:46:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14331798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkei2/pseuds/kkei2
Summary: A drunken idea between new acquaintances becomes reality. Jae and BM wanna have a good time. Johnny and Vernon question their loyalties. Jinyoung and Hakyeon develop a taste for blood and take this far too seriously.





	Thot Patrol

**Author's Note:**

> This was pretty fun to write, even though I have NO idea what I was thinking. No female idols will be included in this because they're QUEENS but I'm willing to write about whatever guys lol. Remember, the real thots are the ones that shame others, but use that dog filter sparingly.

For Johnny, the day began at 4:50 in the morning when he was awoken by his Gucci Gang ringtone. At times like these, it was important to grab your phone before a grumpy member too sleepy to just turn it off smashed it into the wall, so Johnny dragged his aching body to the bedside table and turned off the alarm. On his screen there was a single message:

**bigmatthEW to Thot Smashers: rise and grind, dumbasses, it's time to eat today's ass!**

It took Johnny several seconds to recall what had happened the previous night, and when he did he groaned and threw himself back down on his cot. He’d met up with a group of new people in order to discuss a ‘special event.’

Jhoenny **: bruh it’s like 5 in the morning.**

Jheonny **: And yur one to talk abt eating ass**

bigmatthEW **: justice doesn’t sleep, bro**

bigmatthEW **: OML DON”T BRING THAT UP**

jaejaethejetplane **: waddup homies**

Jhoenny **: why are y’all up at these ungodly hours**

jaejaethejetplane **: if I try to catch some zs JYP shows up at the end of my bed like i’m having sleep paralysis**

jaejaethejetplane **: jk i’m working on a song and chugging red bull bc i like to live life on the edge**

bigmatthEW **:** **y’all are getting distracted from our true cause**

thotlinebling **: morning my dudes**

jhoenny **: who tf are you**

bigmatthEW **: do you not remember what we planned??**

thotlinebling **:** **nah man** **i was pretty whacked**

jhoenny **: no really whomstve are you**

jaejaethejetplane **:** i **remember some ish about protecting humanity or something**

thotlinebling **: YEAH I REMEMBER NOW**

thotlinebling **: OF COURSe**

Jhoenny **: wait** **tf is happening**

thotlinebling **: lemme add some people just a sec**

thotlinebling **added: 차학연 and pepi_jy_**

**차학연: 대체 뭐야?**

Jaejaethejetplane **: hell man it’s too early for me to process** **korean**

bigmatthEW **: it’s time to get out there and DO OUR DUTY**

Jhoenny **: for the love of god someone tell me whats happening**

    They assembled at maybe six on the big central square, looking fairly out of place among the shoppers and civilians on their way to work, but they were serving justice, not looks.

    “So, here’s your briefing,” Big Matthew, the self appointed leader, began. The small crowd of young men around him shifted anxiously.

  “We’ve come here today not only because we have united against a common enemy- a common enemy to mankind, but because we believe in fighting for what we believe in. We are here as brothers and as equals, and we have one goal: justice. We-”

    “That’s lovely and all, but could you maybe elaborate a little bit more on what we’re doing?” Jinyoung asked, his arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Hakyeon, the eldest of the motley crew, was wearing a similar bitter expression. The others nodded blearily.

     “We’re here because we’re going on thot patrol,” Vernon piped in.

“I have no idea what that means, but okay,” Jinyoung muttered.

  “Is there anyone that you’ve ever looked at and just thought, ‘what a hoe. I wish someone would teach that little bitch a lesson,’?” Big Matthew asked, his tone surprisingly cheery considering both the time and his words.

“Oh, certainly,” Jinyoung replied drily. “But how does that relate to what we’re doing?”

“Because today,” Big Matthew explained, “We’re finally going to give the thots what they deserve.”

  “With THESE mad lads,” Jae called as he pulled something out of the large bag that everyone had been regarding suspiciously earlier. Inside were nerf guns, and what an assortment. Ten year olds everywhere were dying of envy.

“You’ve got a whole armory of these,” Johnny said appreciatively as he picked up a Nerf machine gun. “If only I’d had one of these, like, thirteen years ago and I would’ve been the coolest kid.” Hakyeon, on the other hand, was still dubious.

“So are we going to be going around shooting people with toy guns? Is this what I got up at five in the morning for? To play a stupid game with a bunch of strangers?”

“You’ll see,” Big Matthew replied enigmatically, “and we aren't strangers. We’re comrades.”

“We’re definitely going to be running around and shooting people with toy guns,” Hakyeon muttered to Jinyoung, who he had bonded with while the others had been speaking in English. Jinyoung rolled his eyes.

“They’ve got to get it out of their system somehow.”

   “Thanks to Jae who set up an anonymous tip off service, we have our first targets , who are-” Big Matthew said with a flourish, and Vernon, his assistant, pulled down a paper on the giant post-it note stand they’d set up on the sidewalk just outside the van that had brought them there. Why they couldn’t do all this inside was a mystery to Hakyeon, who tolerated but did not enjoy all this. He had had a little too much soju last night and had made some decisions he regretted- mainly giving these dumbasses his number.

“Byun Baekhyun and Oh Sehun,” Vernon said triumphantly. He took pride in being Big Matthew’s helper, to the jealousy of Jae, who lingered nearby and watching him with suspicion. “Of EXO, but you probably already knew that. Big idols but even bigger thots. Johnny, my homie, why don't you take this over from us?”

Johnny looked bewildered for a moment but came up to the board anyway. He didn't want to admit that though he was in the same company as their targets, he didn't know them that well. Being locked in the dungeon doesn't exactly lend itself well to networking.

 “Byun Baekhyun and Oh Sehun,” he began. “Oh Sehun and Byun Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun and Oh Sehun, of EXO. Our targets.”

 “I really hope you didn't give all your high school presentations like this,” Hakyeon remarked.

“Oh, come on,” Jae laughed, slapping Hakyeon on the back, who did not look immensely thrilled by this. “Repeating yourself is a time honoured tactic.” he gave a thumbs to Johnny. “You can do it my man. It's not an inaugural address.”

Johnny cringed and wondered if they were all going slightly crazy. He turned back to the board and pointed an assertive finger to the picture of Baekhyun.

   “If we want to take him down, all we need is the intimidation factor. He's a tricky one but he'll cave as soon as he sees we mean business. As for this one…” He pointed to Sehun. “This one's a slippery bitch. I have no idea how he works, or what he's feeling. It's all hidden behind that RBF. He does, however, have a weakness. His dog. We have the dog, we have him. Or just jump out and surprise him, I don't know.”

“What about Chinese Spanish and the others?” Vernon asked.

“What?”

“Chañol, the long bitch. He's scary. And whoever that intimidatingly hot guy is. I wouldn't want to cross paths with him.”

“You've been an idol for what, three, four years?” Jinyoung said incredulously. “Yet you seem to have no idea who anyone besides our targets is.”

“Well, excuse me that my company holds me at gunpoint and tells me to smile when I meet my sunbaes instead of actually getting to talk to them."

Vernon threw his hands up in defeat, but there was still a lingering unease. Big Matthew could say all he wanted about them being comrades, but they were clearly still a volatile group. One drunk decision to hang out didn't change that. And why were they still going through with what they had come up with in a haze of soju? As Johnny looked around at the faces of the men watching him, it struck him that perhaps the absurdity of it all was what lent this whole escapade it's appeal. It was stupid, and childish, and completely disorganised, but that was just what they needed to escape from the rigid expectations and endless grind of idol life. They were taking back a part of their youth that being locked in the dungeon had taken away from them.

“Uh...Are you alright?” Jae cocked his head at Johnny. “You're not crying, are you?”

“Nah, man, somebody out here chopping onions.” Johnny laughed, and it came out unexpectedly light-hearted. This was an opportunity! A respite! He wiped a single tear from his cheek. “Now let's do this!” With that, everyone raised their neft guns and cheered, even Jinyoung and Hakyeon, though with significantly enthusiasm.

 

    “Target one is in my sights,” Jae hissed into his walkie-talkie($20 at the toy store, which was a steal). He was crouched behind a neatly trimmed bush on the sidewalk, walking Byun Baekhyun step out the doors of SM Ent., cleverly disguised in a fake mustache and sunglasses. Luckily it had begun to drizzle and the usual crowd of ravenous fangirls that circled the building like vultures had retreated into nearby coffee shops, not to mention that midterms were drawing near. A voice crackled over the walkie-talkie.

“You didn't say over, over,” Johnny hissed.

“Let me live, man. Over.” Jae began to uncurl himself from a crouch but froze when he say someone else exiting the building a bit behind his first target. “Hold up, guys, target two has left the building. I repeat, target two has left the building. Over.”

“Did you guys ever see that tweet about the walkie talkies? Over,” Vernon asked, his voice distorted by the crappy walkie-talkie.

“That's infinitely vague but do tell. Over,” replied Johnny.

“I think you guys are getting distracted from our true mission here,” Jae mumbled.

“He didn't say over again. Over,” someone snickered down the line, but the sound was too fuzzy to make out who.

“Come on, I want to hear the joke,” Johnny whined.

“Yeah, now I'm curious,” said Big Matthew suddenly. Vernon cleared his throat, a noise that sent out a volley of screeches from the walkie talkie.

“Alright. So it goes something like this, I can't really remember. Girlfriend: I'm coming over. Me: we should really stop using walkie talkies during s-”

“I’m fairly sure that retelling tweets you barely remember is probably, like, the worst way to try and humour someone, but maybe that's just me- SHIT.” Jae shifted his gaze back to Baekhyun, who had just made a turn into a side street. He abandoned his hiding spot and tried to get out onto the street in a way that didn't look like he'd just been crouching behind some shrubbery and jogged after his victim. “Goddammit, I’ve lost our first target.”

“I somehow knew this was going to happened,” sighed Jinyoung. His eye roll was almost audible.

“On it,” Hakyeon grunted. “I don’t trust the rest of you with this.”

Jae looked up to see a shadow detach itself from a nearby wall and slip down an alleyway. Despite their earlier disgruntled behaviour, Jinyoung and Hakyeon had begun treating this with a deadly intensity as soon as the Nerfs were in their hands. In fact, Vernon had casually suggested that maybe they not be given weapons, but he had suddenly changed his mind with a silent glare from the two of them. The gang would be lucky if this all ended with no one dead or injured. Sehun, the second target, turned in the same direction as Baekhyun. Jae narrowed his eyes in suspicion and pressed the button on his walkie talkie.

“Targets out of my range. I’m going in pursuit.”

“Roger that,” Big Matthew responded. With that the team began to follow their targets, but it soon became clear to them that Sehun was not only going in the same direction as Baekhyun, but he was also following him. Jae glanced down at his phone and at the two accounts that had named these targets for extermination

. @vivilover69 and @baehoneybabe. He sucked in a sharp breath. So this is where this was headed.

 

   Vernon was bouncing on the balls of his feet as he snuck down the streets, nerf pistol tucked into the waistband of his pants. This whole experience was invigorating to him, and he couldn’t wait to point this gun in the face of some treacherous thot and scream, “B E G O N E.” It was fun talking with all the others, even if he felt like he just may have been treated like a bit of a baby earlier, and Hakyeon had not hesitated to call him a “blasted rookie.”

Johnny in particular had struck him as a potential ally in all this. Hakyeon and Jinyoung were far too bitchy, Big Matthew and Jae said, “Ayyye LA boys,” and flashed their own take on some gang symbol too often, but Johnny...first of all, had appreciated his Hotline Bling ringtones, and second of all, had a familiar look in his eyes. They had silently aligned themselves just as Hakyeon and Jinyoung had, and so the Thot Patrol became three.

        When at last Hakyeon radioed them in to say Thot numero Uno had entered a cafe with Dos hot on his tail, Vernon shifted over to Johnny’s side as the squad gathered together behind a lamppost and they exchanged a brotherly nod. He might’ve gone so far as to extend a fist for a bump and whispered ‘good luck, homie’ like BM and Jae did, but he decided that he might be overstepping the boundaries of their casual broship. Then, to Vernon’s surprise, Johnny gave him a thumbs up and smiled.

“Esketit, bro.”

Vernon nodded and with that they entered the cafe. Big Matthew attempted to kick in the doors like in a Western, but Jae helpfully pointed out that they were pull not push doors. They gathered as menacingly as a bunch of pretty boys in their early twenties holding poorly concealed plastic weapons in a cafe can.

“Oh, what a surprise seeing you here!” their first target was saying as Sehun approached him, displaying the typical thotish behaviour of false cheer with his overly bright smile.

“This is my favourite cafe,” Sehun pointed out.

“So it is!” Baekhyun laughed nervously before spotting the squad over Sehun’s shoulder and his smile turned to a smirk. He gave a little wave to them and Sehun turned. His RBF also broke into a smug grin.

“Looks like your time is up,” he said to Baekhyun, who blinked in surprise.

“Who, me? You must be mistaken. Just give it up already, you big booty hoe.”

“Big booty hoe? Say that again, you thirsty little twink.

” “I’m the one who’s thirsty? Ugh, I can’t believe this! Like you aren’t crawling all over everyone at every chance. I guess all your decency must’ve gone to you butt. That’s why it’s so big!”

“As if you’ve got any class, acting all cute and pure like you don’t spend half your time looking for sugar daddies on the internet.”

“I don’t need to look up sugar daddies on the internet, honey, I’m already as rich as I could ever want. This bitch wears Gucci.”

   “Gentlemen!” Jae stepped in between them, a Nerf gun in each hand. “There’s no need for this behaviour.”

“That’s right, take this thot out already!” Baekhyun whined.

“You’re the thot!” Sehun sniped back.

“You’re both wrong.” Jae was just able to hold them apart. “And you're both thots, but not the reasons you’re thinking. The moment you became true thots was when you betrayed your friendship.”

The two men gasped, and the Thot Patrol looked at each other in amazement. The whole cafe was listening in shocked silence.

“That’s right,” Jae continued. “There’s no bigger thot than a thot that turns in his friends. Even a hoe is loyal to their friends to the last.”

“This is blasphemy!” someone yelled.

Jae turned to them and gave them a hard look.

“Sure, wearing a choker and using the dog filter doesn’t help, but that doesn’t make up a TRUE thot. Now, you two, prepare to-”

Before Jae could finish, Baekhyun doubled over in pain.

“What the HELL! Someone just shot me in the eye!” he squealed.

Everyone turned to look at Hakyeon, who still had the offending Nerf gun extended in his hand. He looked around him in bewilderment.

“What? I thought we were exterminating them.”

BM shook his head and muttered before they all looked back at the two thots. Baekhyun was still acting worse than a professional soccer player and Sehun still looked stunned.

“On my mark,” BM called, and the Thot Patrol raised their weapons. “Ready, aim, FIRE!”

The air exploded with Nerf pellets and cries of “Begone, thot!” as well as a single “cease to be, LGBT!”.

The Thot Patrol was victorious. That was, before the cafe manager came out and ran at them with a broom.

Dashing along the sidewalks, the manager still in hot pursuit, Vernon couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Johnny glanced over at him, lips twitching, before he also whooped. Jae quickly took up the cry and they ran whooping and hollering through the streets, Jinyoung and Hakyeon contributing their own blood curdling warcry. _Damn_ , Vernon thought. _This has been fun_. And with that he let out another loud yelp and raced after the others.


End file.
